FMA PSA: Ed and Envy's Kitchen Safety Tips
by Devil Woman
Summary: Ed and Envy give back to the community by taking a stab at cheesy PSAs from the 80s.
1. Here's the Deal

FMA PSAs: Ed and Envy's Kitchen Safety Tips

by Devil Woman

DISCLAIMER: I do not own _Fullmetal Alchemist_. Square Enix and Hiromu Arakawa copyright it.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: The following was inspired by those cheesy Public Service Announcements (PSAs) I remember watching in the 80s when I was little. This one is based on a PSA that featured Bug Bunny talking about kitchen safety. Also, the cast of FMA is going to be portrayed as actors on a show called "Fullmetal Alchemist" (I know it sounds confusing, but it's not…really). Anyway, hope you enjoy this wondrous romp through PSA-land.

Edward Elric had gotten a message from the head programmers to come to a meeting right after he was done filming. Usually, Ed hated these types of meetings, since they where all nothing but mindless chatter (to which none of it was even his concern). _Maybe I can get a chance to catch a few zzzs. _Ed thought to himself as he entered the building. He often slept through those meetings, anyway.

After letting the secretary know why he was here, Ed made his way to the programmer's meeting room. "Welcome, Mr. Elric! Please, have a seat." said the head. He and everyone else in the room that Ed looked at were wearing the same exact navy blue business suit. Poor Ed felt he was lost in a sea of clones! No matter, Ed was just there to hear another boring lecture and leave, nothing more. Ed sat down and made himself comfortable (in the sense he was going to be napping the entire time) in the big, plush boardroom chair and took the programmers' offer on a drink. It was always the same: A can of store-brand soda that always tasted flat; no matter how fresh it seemed. Soon, the meeting began.

"Thank you for coming today, Mr. Elric." the same head told him. "Not a prob, that's why you pay me." Ed replied. A few chuckles where heard, but where quickly subsided. "Anyway, the reason why you are here today is to discuss the option of PSAs." "Yeah, so why don't you get Hughes or Armstrong to film one?" "Because of what happened the last time, Mr. Elric." another head reminded him. The last time the cast had to film a PSA, it was Hughes and Armstrong's turn. But their PSAs ended up being a disaster! Hughes had a PSA about missing children that nearly cost him his job. He threatened to "gut" any kidnappers about taking his daughter Elicia. Hughes, who was normally a cheerful guy, was downright frightening when got serious about the situation. His PSA was pulled after only airing once. And Armstrong's PSA about fitness ended up being an hour-long, self-obsessed film about his family's traditions (and showing off his muscles). Plus, those pink sparkles just freaked everyone out who saw the rough cut.

"Oh, I remember now. I see your point." Ed told the head programmers. "We where thinking that it is about time for you to film a PSA." "I already told you guys: I do not do PSAs!" "Suck it in, Shorty!" a voice called. Ed flustered with anger and whipped his head toward the door to see who it was. Envy was there. He had opened both the double doors to the meeting room and coolly walked in. "Ah, Mr. Envy, it is nice to see you again." "You all are looking rather…motivated today." Envy told the group of heads. They all gushed with pride. "You're a slime ball." Ed grunted at Envy, who took the seat across from him. He kicked up his legs and rested them atop the table. "That's why I'm a natural at my role, Little Bean." Envy said and winked at him with a smirk across his face. "Stop that…"Ed told him, trying not to let his anger get the best of him. Ed was quite famous for two things: The throngs of fan girls who where just waiting to see him that lined along the studio lot where they shot the show and his temper. Ed was particular anal about the use of the word "little" and other similar words. He was already on thin ice with the head programmers and was close to getting fired.

"Why are you here?" Ed asked Envy. "Oh, I was just in the neighborhood and thought I'd pay a visit to me dear co-star, who's just a little bundle of suppressed angst and anger." Envy said and playfully pinched Ed's cheek as if he was a toddler. "Yeah right." Ed said with suspicion. "Mr. Envy was also called to discuss about his upcoming PSA as well." "But then we came up with a splendid idea: You two should film a PSA **together**!" another identical head told them. Upon hearing that, both Ed and Envy literally jumped out of their seats in shock. "WHAT!" they both exclaimed. "No way! He's an asshole!" Ed yelled, pointing to Envy. "Hell no! He's a whiney little brat!" Envy snapped, pointing to Ed. At this point, Ed didn't really care if he was going to lose his job over this. He just wanted Envy to shut up about all the small jokes. "But it will save the cost on filming two PSAs." a head explained. "Don't care!" they both said. "You two are the most popular characters on the show; this will give your careers a great boost!" "Already has happened!" "We'll pay you double if you do this." "Hmmm…Well, money is money. And I could use a new trailer." Ed hinted. "With a step ladder." Envy quipped. "And you need the extra money just so you could by your monthly hair care products, you stupid Palm Tree." "Bite me, Runt of the Litter!"

"ENOUGH!" shouted the head programmer. "Sorry." both Ed and Envy quickly said. "So, do we have a deal?" After careful thinking, they both agreed. _What have I gotten myself into!_ Ed and Envy thought to themselves as they left the meeting.


	2. PSA, A OK?

Soon the rough cut of Ed and Envy's PSA was ready in a month after the two reluctantly agreed to film together. Back at the head programmers' office, they had set up the video projector. Ed and Envy, who sat across from one another like the last time, looked on nervously as one of the heads placed the tape into the VCR and pushed the 'play' button.

"And now, a message from the stars of the hit show, _Fullmetal Alchemist_." the announcer stated.

Ed was in a typical mock kitchen set. The décor was similar to that of a kitchen trapped in 1983. "It smells funny in here." Ed stated, then realizing that the camera was on. He cleared his throat and was on cue.

"Hi, I'm Edward Elric. You know kids, the kitchen is not a playground. There are a lot of things that can harm you."

Ed then walked over to the counter, which had a white, plug-in coffee pot out.

"Here's a common site: a cord to your coffee pot that's left astray!"

The coffee pot's cord suddenly came to life and turned into Envy.

"What the--! I thought you could only transform into people…and a knock-off of that DBZ dragon."

"Hey, there's a lot you don't know about me. Anyway, you kids can have a blast pulling and yanking on loose cords. Plus, choking yourself is fun!"

"OK, you're just a little too cheerful about that. You should always keep loose cords out of reach by wrapping them up."

Ed then grasped Envy and proceeded to wrap him up. Envy became dizzy as Ed wrapped him up. Ed then plopped Envy back on the countertop.

"As for the 'there's a lot you don't know about me' bit. Well, I know for a fact that you have a fear of figure skaters."

"It's not a fear, shrimp! I'm just jealous, that's all!"

Ed was mad, but quickly moved onto the next portion of the kitchen. He stood next to a black, flattop stove. Next to the range was a red jar marked 'Cookies'.

"Delicious cookies can be a tempting treat, but watch out!"

The cookie jar soon morphed into Envy's face.

"Because you can burn yourself while trying to reach them. But do try; getting a third degree burn will make you really popular in class!"

"Stop it! Don't make me go Medieval on your--"

"Hey, I can go Medieval much better, and not to mention sexier, than you Bean-Boy."

"Remember to move objects like your cookie jar away from the stove to prevent burns."

Ed, who was showing signs of being pushed to his limits (and not to mention starting to look a little be insane), grabbed a hold of Envy and proceeded to carry him to the furthest part of the countertop. He then purposely dropped Envy right on his face. Envy let out a muffled grunt.

"Ooops! Clumsy me."

Ed than pressed Envy's face into the floor with his boot.

"Ow!"

Ed than pick up Envy and placed him on the countertop.

"There we go, good as new."

"Damn you, you little gnat!"

Ed was about to clobber Envy with the pot on the stove, but quickly regained his composure. He turned his attention to the pot.

"And speaking of burns, pots and pans are harmless when not in use, but when they are on a working stove…"

Envy then appeared as the pot.

"I can easily dump scolding hot water all over you when you take my handle."

"Uh, can we get a line change? That sounds a little shady."

"Shut up, Shorty!"

Ed was now pissed. The picked up Envy and slammed him into the kitchen sink.

"I…AM…NOT…SHORT!" he screeched.

Envy was able to recover and transformed back into his original body.

"Come on! Hit me with your best shot, Runt!"

"Firing away!"

Ed then pulled out his automail arm blade and ran toward Envy.

"From what the director told us, this little fight between the two of you went on for about another twenty minutes." one the head programmer clones stated as they shut the tape off. "And to top it all off, that kitchen set was completely destroyed." "Well, don't blame me, Envy started it!" "What! That brat was the one who started the fight before filming even began!" As Ed and Envy spat back and forth at each other, the heads where getting sick and tired of hear them. "BE QUET!" they roared. Taken back, Ed and Envy looked at the room full of business suits in shock. "That's better…now, since we can't seem to get along, I think we must come up with a better solution."

The following week, the studio has an open house for the local kindergarden classes. As part of the tour, the massive group of five year-olds got to have a meet-and-greet with the stars of the hit show, _Mr. Panda and Elf_. As the group of kids crowded around the stage, Ed and Envy where in back, getting dressed up in their costumes. "This is all your fault!" Envy grunted as he pulled up the panda suit. He managed to get to the back zipper and was now staring at Ed, giving him a dirty look with the costume's head on his hip. "My fault! Hey, I wasn't the one who started it!" "I don't care anymore, this is just embarrassing! I swear, one day those head programmers are all gonna…" but before Envy could finish his sentence, one of the heads was standing behind him. Envy felt his presences and immediately shut up. "You know, you boys are doing us such a nice favor by filling in for us for today's open house." the head said. "Plus, those costumes really fit you nicely…now, go out and entertain the kids for an hour or two, or else!" the head stated, waving two pink slips at them. "Yes, sir!" they both said as they finished putting on their costumes and headed out the door.

"WOW!" cried all the kids in awe. Envy, who had the panda head on, was lazily waving at the crowd. Ed was, well…just not into it. He was dressed as an elf, and elves where small…something he hated even more than being called a shrimp. "Go on now, give Mr. Panda a big hug!" one of the mothers was telling her child. A little boy, who had sticky fingers, literally crashed into Envy and gave him a bear hug. "Uh…thanks." Envy said, trying to "gently" pull the boy off of him (meaning, pry him off). "I's wuvs you, Mr. Panda!" the boy said and hugged harder. Ed, meanwhile, was getting a little bothered by a group of the kids staring at him. "So, uh…how are you today?" Ed asked them. With one synchronized jump, the kids toppled onto him in a sea of hugs, hair pulling and poking. "You're the same as you are on TV!" one little girl said, giving another death bear hug. Ed winced in pain. "Your stupid!" another little boy said, who was poking him in the side. "You have pretty hair!" another child said, yanking on Ed's braid.

_And the moral of today's story is…well, there is no moral, just bask in this moment of Ed and Envy being pummeled by a hoard of hyper-active five year-old. You know you like it :)_


End file.
